bobborden.com

10-31-03
If you came to my site today expecting a big Halloween extravaganza, think again, Halloween sucks lemons. If you came to my site today expecting a 3-Year Anniversary blowout and the end of BOBtoberfest, you're in luck.

Halloween sucks because, as I mentioned in my very first diary, my candy was stolen when I was a kid. And it sucks because some punk kids hit me upside the head with an egg years later in Hoboken. But onward and upward, that's my motto.

I was looking back at some past diaries and it's really neat to have a record of the last three years. I encourage you to start your own diary. It allows me to decompress after a bad day. It also gives me the opportunity to work on my own faults. Number one on the list right now is my hatred of society. But I digress --

IT'S MY 3-YEAR
ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!!
(Stupid photo)
That felt good. Am I the only person that doesn't care for The Simpsons Halloween episodes? My Tivo recorded 4 Halloween episodes in a row and I deleted them all. Just give me a good episode with Homer and I'm a happy man. Have you ever seen Family Guy? Darn if that's not a funny show. My boss Justin turned me on to that one. When it came out, I thought it was a rip off of The Simpsons and I refused to watch. But really, they're very clever. Live and learn.

On this special anniversary day, Bob of BobBorden.com would like to welcome a new member to the bobborden.com family. Carol, from, I believe, California, is reading every diary I've ever written. She's up to April 2001 and said, "Thus far its made me laugh and cry. Good stuff." Thanks Carol and welcome.

I was outside the theater yesterday running stuff around and a guy came to my attention because he kept saying, "Kent State, Kent State, Kent State." That's where I went to college. I made eye contact but he just kept saying that over and over again. I was busy and didn't have time to investigate, he's probably still outside for all I know. Anyway, if you were out on 53rd Street yesterday and you kept saying 'Kent State, Kent State' over and over again, hi.

So that's it for today. I'm looking forward to the weekend; the weather is going to be great! Thanks for making this month of BOBtoberfest the best ever!

Stay beautiful,

Bob

PS Lord, help a brother out, if you see an egg flying my way, make sure I move out of the way.

10-30-03
I was on the bus yesterday morning for TWO SOLID HOURS! I was standing at the bus stop, pouring rain and traffic was starting to back up. So I decided to walk up to Washington Street to get on another bus, to avoid the mess. We got to the edge of town and that's where it all went downhill.

I can't say enough bad things about that bus ride. We pull into the station; I get off the bus and say to the driver, "That was a rough one." She said, "Yes it was." And then we laughed and laughed.

By the time I get to work, the sun's out and all is well with the world.

How about those wildfires out in California? That would suck, you have a home, you have a life and then a massive FIRE takes everything away. They say some lost hunter sent up a flare and started the whole damn thing. I bet that guy feels like crap. I don't know if sending up a flare/starting a fire was the smart move -- Apparently not.

I bought a new jacket yesterday. I'm in desperate need of a coat that's perfect for fall yet warm enough to take me into winter, at least for a few months. Something fashionable enough to take me from the boardroom, to the bedroom (I don't know what that means?). I consulted with my friend Paula and we (OK, she hated all my choices and ended up picking it out for me) found my new look.

Bob's new jacket
I like it! Here's the product description:

"The 12-oz. SteelGuard(tm) 100% cotton duck is WearGuard's own wind, abrasion, rip and snag-resistant fabric. Features include convenient multiple pockets, warm quilted nylon taffeta lining and bi-swing action back for easy movement. Has warm 8-oz. polyester fiberfill insulation. Corduroy collar, protective windproof flaps and storm cuffs block out cold drafts. Imported. WearGuard style #1907"

That's cool, right? I'm anxious not to wear my polar fleece thing anymore. When I had dinner with my friend Tiffany recently, I really felt out of place. Note to everyone: polar fleece and dining in a nice restaurant don't mix. I could have gone the leather coat route but I'm not a leather guy. I just don't have the 'tude for it.

So where's everybody been? My message board is a ghost town! I'm not writing this for my health you know! Speaking of health, I was riding the bus last night and I figured that I spend at least 25% of my day being out of breath. I don't have asthma or any ailment like that (Thank God), simply put; I'm grossly out of shape. I have to work on that in '04. For real, '04 is going to be my year. It's not good to be out of breath while riding an escalator. Damn sweet, sweet junk food. And I need to go out more, I don't know if you'd call it depression or an absolute hatred of people but it's hard to hang out with my peers in a bar. Very hard. I have a lot to work on.

I think that's enough for a Thursday. Mark your calendars; tomorrow is the 3rd Year Anniversary of BobBorden.com. 3 years of writing about my daily life, that's pretty cool/funny if I do say so myself.

Have a great day!

All my best,

Bob

PS Watch The Tony Mendez show this week (Wednesday, Thursday and Friday) for the amazingly good Trilogy of Terror!

10-29-03
Every morning I walk through the Port Authority (bus station). 99.9% of the time, I have my blinders on and am focused on getting the heck out of there. The other .1% of the time, I notice stupid billboards. For the past month or so I've been checking out billboards of the hot new shows on UPN. How do I describe these shows? They look like somebody made them up as a joke - but sadly, they're all too real. Eve, Rock Me Baby, The Mullets and All Of Us are the titles of these actual TV shows. One of these shows was just canceled and then I got a fun idea. I'll track these shows/billboards to see which survive the 2003-2004 television season. It's something that I like to call: Which UPN Television Show Will Survive the 2003-2004 Television Season: And the first one to go is:

Goodbye to The
Mullets!
Too bad Mullets. I think the smart money is on Eve. What channel is UPN broadcast on anyway? That was: Which UPN Television Show Will Survive the 2003-2004 Television Season - tell your friends.

I stopped off at the lotto store last night to be 'in it to win it' and I swear the guy gave me change before I gave him any money but he insisted that I paid him. It was odd, I was tired but I think I'd remember paying him. It was really strange. However, it was a complicated transaction; I was turning in a scratch-off ticket that I won $5 on and then I was going to parlay that into another lotto game while at the same time, I had a bottle of soda and a Clark bar on the counter. Damn that Clark bar was good! Only the Lord knows what really happened.

I was looking through the Top Tens yesterday (like I always do) and there was one that really made me laugh out loud. The topic was Top Ten Demands of New York City cab drivers. Steve wrote: "If a pedestrian or bicyclist is hit by a cab, they owe fare for the distance they were dragged" - isn't that funny? That may have made my day yesterday. A sad footnote to this story, that one didn't make the final cut. I feel like the radio announcer that reads those 'slice of life' type news blurbs. I can't remember his name, has a very dry delivery? Darn! That's going to drive me nuts. I want to say Lee Harvey Oswald but I know that's not right. Oh, this is really bothering me! I'm going to phone a friend, hold on - PAUL HARVEY! Thanks to Eric Stangel for bailing me out.

I'm exhausted.

Sweet dreams!

Bob 10-28-03
It's Bobtoberfest! All month long I've been looking back at my old diaries. Here's an excerpt from January 30th, 2002 in a new segment I call Bobtoberfest Flashbacks:

"I'm going to start off with something new today. Here's something I like to call: Story I forgot to put in yesterday's diary. Here it goes... I went to the record store "last night" in hopes of finding the greatest hits of Hall & Oates. I saw their Behind the Music and was reminded of their sweet melodies. Anyway, they didn't have it! How can you run a record store and not have that record? OK, so I'm down but not out. I was going to get the Piece of Mind CD by Iron Maiden -- Sold out. I was in there for over an hour and walked out with nothing -- I even looked at the LPs! You know -- I think I forgot that story for a reason, it stinks."

I hope you enjoyed this Bobtoberfest Flashback - tell your friends.

Did you watch the Late Show last night? Had you tuned in you would have seen Biff at the World Series, just a side note, the Yankees lost. What you didn't see, because it ended up on the cutting room floor, was this Autographed Hot Dog signed by Roger Clemens!

Autographed Hot Dog
signed by Roger Clemens
How cool is that? Biff asked the man to autograph a ballpark dog and he did, pretty neat. Maybe I should have opened the diary with that? Oh well.

That's it for Tuesday!

Feeling better,

Bob

PS Scary Movie 3 was number one at the box office this past weekend with a huge take of 49 million. I don't want to come off like a comedy snob but, COME ON!

10-27-03
Friday night got off to a great start when Jay, Chris and I walked over to Le Parker Meridien hotel. Jay read a while back in the New York Times that they have a great hamburger place inside. It's kind of a dive in this nice/chic hotel lobby. Really great hamburgers and the vanilla milkshake was all good! We left there and parted ways. I didn't realize it but it was only 6:20. It's all downhill from here, ha ha.

Saturday I woke up around 9:30. I watched Miami Blues, I like that film and Alec Baldwin has a pretty good role. Then around 2:30 I walked a few blocks to do my laundry. Laundry was uneventful; I was tempted to let the laundry place do my laundry again this week but before I left my apartment, I found this in my laundry bag:

This is not
Bob's sock
This isn't my sock! Where the hell did this thing come from? Needless to say, my laundry can't be trusted in the hands of others.

I got home around 4ish and watched Things to do in Denver When You're Dead. Whew, el-stink-o!

I didn't feel like driving on Saturday, which seems odd as my car is back in my hands after a two-week transmission odyssey. Later Saturday night I regretted not making any plans. I need to force myself to be social, isn't that sad? I watched the Yankees lose, flipped around and did some online browsing. I want a grown-up jacket. Something I can walk around in and it doesn't look like I'm on a one-hour work release program. I ended up at LandsEnd.com. You can make a virtual model of yourself and "try on" virtual clothes. Here's what I look like:

Virtual Bob
I mean, COME ON! Do I really look that big?

Real Bob
Damn, I didn't need that.

Sunday I woke up at 9:30. Well, actually, I didn't. I woke up at 7:30. I turned my clock back before I went to bed but really; I got confused and actually moved it forward. Time has never been my friend. There's a Borden family legend I have to hear about every so often that involves me not being able to read a clock until I was in the eighth grade. And yes, it may be true but does it really need to be brought up, over and over again?!

So with the early start on the day, I got in my Jeep and drove to south Jersey to live the suburban life. I went to a Target store. Now, I could have gone to the Target store about two miles away from Hoboken but I went to the one sixty miles away. Sometimes it's about the journey, not the destination. Great, I sound like a beer commercial. I shopped, ate lunch at a disgusting Wendy's (The floor was grease and there were little flying bugs everywhere) and walked around a mall. Then I drove back to Hoboken and watched football. My car ran flawlessly and there wasn't any transmission leakage. I can breathe again.

I ate some Chinese food for dinner and that was about it for the old weekend.

That's it!

Stay beautiful,

Bob

10-24-03
It's Friday! Yesterday I left work early to pick up my car. I could have picked it up this morning but I would have had to wake up around seven and then do the whole bus in, drive car out and take bus back into the city thing. And let's face it, that's a lot of work for a Friday morning. I timed out the pick up just right, at 5 o'clock, when every other car/truck/vehicle in Manhattan was trying to drive through the Lincoln Tunnel. I left the transmission place, all I had to do was turn left and I'd be two blocks away from the tunnel. That's a sweet deal but the traffic cop didn't see it that way. He had me drive straight and I had to get on the West Side highway and then get in another traffic lineup, it was quite the system but whatever.

I made it through quicker than I thought. I got back to Hoboken, parked my ride and called up my friend Tiff to see if she wanted to grab some dinner. She made other plans so I just made some dinner and chilled. I took a shower and was super relaxed -- it was a good feeling. If you're ever over my place and you see I'm wearing my boxers, you know I'm super relaxed.

Bob's drawers
On a similar note, if you're ever over my place and I'm wearing my boxers, know this, it's on! That last creepy sentence was for the ladies only. Anywho, I sat down on my bed and then next thing I knew, it was 1:07 am. Damn! I slept my night away.

It's 1:45 am and I'm writing my diary. I just thought I'd mention that. I'd like to see Lost in Translation again this weekend but at a different theatre. Now that I think about it, I wonder if there's something else out that I should see? I'll have to consult the movie listings.

OK, I think that's all I have to say. Have a great weekend.

All my best,

Bob

10-23-03
It's Thursday! This week is flying by. It's been a weird week for me. All of my dishes are dirty and I haven't taken my clean laundry out of the bag yet. We're not taping this week and being lazy is the order of the day. I had itunes installed on my work computer yesterday and it messed up my registry. It was a lonely day without the computer. As far as work computers go, I'm the equivalent of the little brother that gets the hand-me-downs. I'm working with an outdated machine. The damn thing may "accidentally" fall off my desk one day.

Sad to hear about Elliot Smith - I only own a few of his records but they're pretty darn good. Too bad.

I saw Lost in Translation last night. I really enjoyed it. I didn't enjoy the people in the theatre who every time Bill Murray was on the screen they laughed like there was no tomorrow. It wasn't that kind of movie. They were laughing like they were watching Stripes. I'd see the film again but I'd have to rent out the theatre so I wouldn't have to watch it with idiots. I was going to see the film with Walter and "Sally" today but I got out early yesterday and I'm picking up my car tonight (a gasket was leaking and they kept it another day for observation). I apologize to Walter and "Sally".

On my way to see the movie I saw a guy wearing a "New F@&king York" t-shirt. They sell them at all the crap souvenir shops, I've never seen someone actually wearing one though. Solid look. The guy stuck out like a turd in a punchbowl.

It's freezing! It's only going to reach 50 degrees today and last night my fleece thing I've been wearing was pointless. I may have to bust out the winter jacket tomorrow. I need a good between-season coat. I have a feeling the winter coat may be too warm and I'm not sure if mentally, I'm ready for it. For my winter coat this year I'm thinking of upgrading to a big NFL jacket with a fur collar, you know, like all the kids are wearing.

Bob's new winter
coat?
Maybe not.

That's it!

Stay beautiful,

Bob

10-22-03
Why did Led Zeppelin let Cadillac use that Rock 'N' Roll song in their commercials? Cadillac LOVES that song. THEY LOVE IT!

What's up with the judges in this country? I read today that the judge in an Eminem case gave her ruling via a rap-inspired poem. How awful is that? I'm sure it came off as well as your grandmother trying to be hip and on the scene. And the judge in the sniper case let the sniper-suspect be his own lawyer. Yuk, I can't watch the news anymore, it just makes me angry.

OK, no more negative thoughts today.

I drove my car to the transmission place yesterday. It's still there because they didn't have time to get to it. I'm fine with that. I worked all day and really wanted to see Lost in Translation but it didn't time out properly.

That's all I have for today.

All my best,

Bob

10-21-03
My photo of the day is more of a question than a statement. The question is: Where do these red-painted quarters come from? They sure didn't come from the mint like that. Every few months I come across a piece of our currency that is truly F'd up. That's just something that I think about. And now, without further adieu, Master Storyteller Bob Borden brings you, today's diary:

I called Junior, my transmission guy; yesterday and he told me to bring in the ride. Thank goodness for warranties. I'm sure it will be fine. CUT TO: "Turns out your Johnson gear is out, that's only another $1000." Ha ha, 'Johnson gear'. My problem with cars is that I LOVE them. I like driving, what can I say?

And now it's time for a new feature to bobborden.com, I call it: E-mail Notification That I Was Outbid On An E-bay Item, here we go:

"Unfortunately, your bid did not win the following item: ERNEST BORGNINE Autographed 8 x 10"

And that was E-mail Notification That I Was Outbid On An E-bay Item -- Tell your friends.

I'm in a café yesterday morning purchasing my breakfast. I just ordered a sausage, egg & cheese on an English muffin sandwich and I'm waiting for them to cook it up. Then some woman drops her LARGE cup of orange juice, it crashes to the floor - I look down at my pants and I'm all juiced up! Little bits of pulp everywhere. So I'm doing the looking at my pants thing and she's looking for someone that works there for help. She gets help and then walks over to the cashier. SHE DIDN'T EVEN SAY SHE WAS SORRY FOR MESSING UP MY SLACKS!!!! I was pissed and had more than a few choice words for her in my mind. I was on the fence about saying something to her but then I decided that would be crossing a line into 'that guy' territory. I'm too old to be 'that guy'. I've come to learn that the vast majority of mouth breathers walking this planet are truly idiots.

I am set for this winter; I got my flu shot yesterday. Last year my arm got a little red mark from the shot. And for the past two years, immediately after getting the shot, I felt sick. It's natural because they're injecting you with the virus but it still feels weird. This year was great -- I didn't get that sick feeling at all. I got my shot around one o'clock. But then around five o'clock, my arm started to itch. I pulled up my sleeve and:

Bob got a
flu shot
They forgot to take out the needle! That's going to leave a mark.

Comedy 101 -- goodnight ladies.

Always,

Bob

10-20-03
Hello. Bob + TIVO + bowl of chips = Friday night.

Saturday I woke up around 9 am. I really needed two more hours of sleep but I had an appointment to get my oil changed. I sure do like having a mechanic on my block, easy access. Sal's an honest Joe too. While on the lift, he noticed that there was a little transmission fluid leak. Yuk, I thought to myself. It could just be car settling after such major surgery but I have to keep my eye on it. I'm not worried about it because it's under warranty but it's kind of a pain, I'll have to give the transmission guy a call today.

After my oil change I got a shower, dropped off my laundry and drove to the A & P. I had a good shopping experience. While I was loading up my car a man approached and asked, "Are you a good Samaritan?" "Yeah, I'm a good Samaritan", I responded. He tells me how his car broke down in front of the church in a bad neighborhood -- he got a flat tire. Some guy from a garage is fixing his tire but he doesn't have the money to pay him, he left his wallet on his dresser. He asked me, "Didn't you ever leave your wallet on your dresser?" My response was 'nope'. So, the guy doesn't want me to drive him to the garage or to his car, he just wants $20 because the guy's coming back with the tire and he can't pay him. I said why don't you just have your wife call the guy with your credit card number. He told me that wasn't an option because the guy from the garage is fixing it on his own. And he told me he's been dealing with this since 5am.

I feel bad for the guy and yet, something doesn't feel right. From 5am to 11am, you're dealing with a flat tire? And why doesn't he just make arrangements with the guy who's fixing the flat instead of begging strangers for cash? I tell him I need proof, where's the car. He points and says, "Check it out, come back or not, I'll understand" I drive over to the church, there's no 3-wheeled car to be found and there's a BP less than a block from the church. The dude was trying to scam me. What a bastard to play on someone's sympathies. I was talking to my friend Tiffany not too long afterwards, I was still thinking about this. Maybe I missed the car; did I just do a crappy thing by leaving this guy? I told Tiff and she said, "Was he a fat, dumpy, bald man?" I responded, "Holy crap, yes!" She said, "He took me for $20, except his story had something to do with the hospital." Isn't that incredible!? What a jerk! I hate to say it but my good deeds towards others may have just ended or maybe I'll just look upon this as a reminder that I'm not in Kansas anymore.

After clearing my head of that nonsense, I got the Jeep out where she belongs, that's right, the highway. I drove to Nutley to get some pizza. The Jeep is stronger on the highway now, I can really tell the difference. I really enjoyed getting out of Hoboken. I was only sans car for a week but it seemed like a year. I walked around Kohl's, doormats were 50% off so I picked one up because my other one was destroyed when my hallway had major water damage last month (longest sentence ever). The mat looks nice out there.

Bob's new doormat
I like doormats, they're just a simple to say, 'Welcome' -- without actually having to talk to anyone.

Saturday night Tiffany took me out to celebrate my birthday, I didn't have any time during the week. We had a great time. I had the lamb and she had the salmon. I almost forgot -- I took a photo outside the restaurant.

Birthday dinner
Thanks to Tiff for hooking me up with a nice meal. We went to a place in Summit, NJ because I wanted to drive the Jeep somewhere. It was a nice escape from the concrete jungle.

Sunday I woke up around 10:30. I had a few bowls of Crunch Berries, got a shower and hit the road. I was on my way to Ikea to grab a cinnamon roll but the troopers had the highway blocked off. I could have gone another way but it looked like there was traffic. So I drove to Best Buy but the parking lot was really crowded and I figured, crowded parking lot, crowded store. I drove a little further down the road and went into a mall. I didn't buy anything; I just wanted to walk around. After that excitement I drove to a movie theater and luckily, Kill Bill was about to start.

I really liked it. I wish they wouldn't have split them up, so stupid. Now I have a very strong urge to buy a samurai sword. Oh, here's an interesting bit of trivia that they flashed on the screen before the film. Turns out that Halle Berry lost 80% of the hearing in one ear due to an abusive boyfriend. Why do I have to read this before I watch a movie?! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?! I thought going to the movies was an escape from reality. And the popcorn sucked eggs.

I got back to Hoboken, picked up my laundry and came home to 'zero' messages on my machine. What the heck? It's like I don't exist! I could have fallen in a ditch and no one would know. I guess it'd be weird to have a ditch in my apartment. But I think my point was made.

That's it for Monday. Have a great day.

Always,

Bob

10-17-03
I don't know if I should write about this or if I shouldn't? I've been on the fence about talking about it all day. But if this is in fact, my diary, I should be truthful, so here it goes:

Ever heard the saying 'the kindness of strangers'? Well that doesn't apply in this instance because the kindness in question is from someone I know. My birthday on Wednesday was great! I got to talk to Gene Simmons, hang with friends and accept a parade of gifts. That was more than enough. I get to work yesterday, clean off my desk and I come across an envelope.

It was addressed to Bob. Odd, I don't remember seeing that envelope? I open it up and it read: "For your transmission. From a friend" And there was a nice chunk of cash in there. It was anonymous! No one will admit to it which means they know me pretty well because I'm a pretty proud guy, I wouldn't have taken it. I was touched, to say the least.

I don't know if this person(s) reads my diary but if you do, thank you - that's all I can say. Pretty cool.

Time for a new segment, I call it: Excerpt from Monday's BobBorden.com Diary, here we go: "So, I'm in the casino gambling with the money that someone left on my desk and after about two hours, I've doubled my funds! Four hours later, cut to me in the strip club and a stripper named Lexus, rolled me for all my cash! She said she'd love me forever! What does 'forever' mean to you Lexus, what does it mean to you?!" That was an Excerpt from Monday's BobBorden.com Diary - tell your friends.

I want to send a special shout out to my brother George who's celebrating a birthday today. I just thought of a great story from childhood where something actually went my way. Growing up, George knew how to push my buttons and he had a weird mental hold over me. One day we were fighting, he had me pretty good but then I reached down and summoned up some strength that never made an appearance before. I ended up on top of my brother and I had him pinned to the carpet. I wasn't sure where I'd go from this position but with all the rolling around, I must have knocked something loose because the next thing I knew, I threw up in his eye! Ha ha, no joke. It was pretty funny. That's where everything changed for me, that one defining moment. You throw up in a guy's eye, well; you're kind of a loose cannon, ha ha. Anyway, Happy Birthday George! I hope no one throws up in your eye today.

That's it for today. My weekend plans? I'm going to drive, drive, drive.

Stay beautiful,

Bob

10-16-03
I'd like to start out today's diary with a BIG thank you to all the people that wished me a Happy Birthday yesterday. Thank you very much. And thank you for letting me take yesterday off to enjoy my day. Let me tell you about the coolest thing that happened to me yesterday. My bosses, Justin and Eric arranged for a celebrity to call in and wish me a Happy Birthday.

Mystery caller
The mystery caller called in and was put on speakerphone. They said some pretty funny things but I was stumped! This was a really good mystery call! I picked up the phone and told the caller that I had no idea who he/she was and then he revealed himself: It was Gene Simmons from KISS! No joke. I was speechless, just speechless. I remember calling him 'sir', ha ha. It was so damn cool of Gene to call in and so cool for my bosses to do that. Thanks to Eric and Justin and thanks to Gene Simmons! And kudos (never used that word before in my life!) to Jeremy for setting that up. Very cool!

My car is finally back in my possession! I took the bus into the city early Tuesday morning, walked to the shop, forked over my credit card and away I went. I was a little nervous driving her after such a major surgery. So nervous in fact, that I almost clipped a Mercedes that was trying to cut across two lanes. That one made me sweat through my shirt! I made it safely back to Hoboken. I took another bus back into the city and was at work by 9:45! That's some sweet time thank you very much. I said I wasn't going to mention the final cost but now that I think about it, why not? After taxes, it cost $2400 to get it rebuilt.

That's almost the cost of my last car! But I have it all budgeted out and will have it paid off in no time. But that initial shock of $2400 really freaked me out. I almost considered moving on to another vehicle.

Here's a story about the photo from yesterday's diary of me holding the blueberry muffin with candles. I needed cat food and while I was shopping, it hit me to do something for my birthday. So I bought the cat food, candles and other stuff at the same time. The guy checking me out (English is not his first language) held up the birthday candles and the cat food inferring that I was celebrating the birthday of one of my cats. I was offended at the time but the reality that I was buying all this stuff for myself and not for my cats, was probably worse. Does that make sense? Ah, let's just pretend that this last paragraph never happened.

That's it for me. I talked to Gene Simmons from KISS!

Stay beautiful,

Bob

10-15-03

34!

10-14-03
I pick up my car this morning, for real. Junior (transmission guy) called me yesterday and gave me the green light to come and get her. And he said the starting problem is fixed! The wire going to the neutral safety switch on the transmission was burned. That could have happened when my car overheated earlier this summer or could just be from old age, who knows? I'm just looking forward to moving forward when I hit the gas.

It's a lot of money to get all this done but I'm planning on driving this beast for a few more years. I'll pick it up around 8am, drive it back to Hoboken and then go to work. That's a lot of traveling for me but it's better than having to leave work or paying for parking all day.

Finally all this talk of cars will be come to an end. Now I can talk about how much money I owe to Master Card, ha ha. I've been debt free my whole life; this will be a new experience for me. I'll owe money to the man just like the rest of the slobs in America.

I got a headache leaving work yesterday. It could have started when the subway came slamming into the station, squealing brakes and all. I don't get headaches, so this was pretty unusual. But within the confines of this, a moment of clarity: I should start painting again. Developing story.

Here's how my evening broke down yesterday: Diary, TV, video games and listening to the Reverened Horton Heat. I'm living the SWEET life. As a matter of fact, I'm listening to Reverened Horton Heat on the headphones as I write this and I was wondering why the quality of the recording was so muffled. Then I realized the headphones were above my ears. I'm going through some kind of weird vibe where things are not going my way. Such is life.

That's it! Have a great day.

I like James Iha's Let it Come Down solo CD. Very lovely.

Stay beautiful,

Bob

10-13-03
I'm going to open today's diary with a story that sets the tone for my whole weekend. Saturday around 3:45 and I'm in the laundry mat. I just put my clothes in the dryer and I was getting hungry, skipping breakfast never really works out. The laundry mat has a snack machine so I walked over and weighed my snack options out very carefully. Little mini cookies seem like the smart snacker's choice so I decide to go for it. I insert my 75 cents, push C5 and wait for the snack to fall. Except nothing falls - the 'wire spin thing' just twists around and releases a snack that wasn't there. Turns out, the cookies were in C3, one spot over. Faced with the embarrassment of telling the attendant about my stupid mistake, I just put my head down, sighed and put in another 75 cents.

Snack Machine 1,
Bob 0
What can you do? And now without further adieu, Master Storyteller Bob Borden presents, today's diary: Friday night I got home and watched a film my friend Jay lent me, Donnie Darko. I was watching it and a character had one of those spooky/ghostly/other worldly voices. It scared the crap out of me and I turned it off. I don't mind a scary movie but when people start talking like that, it freaks me out. That's why I won't watch The Exorcist.

Saturday I woke up around 10:30. It was such a lovely day to go for a drive. But my car wasn't ready (I should be able to pick it up today) so I had to live vicariously through the cars driving by my building. It wasn't the same. Junior's (transmission guy) waiting on another part -- I don't mind the delay because somehow I can justify that with getting my money's worth. That's a BIG justification. With it being daylight, I thought I'd give Donnie Darko another shot. It was ok; a sleeper of a film, kind of interesting but I don't need to see it again -- it's always good to see Patrick Swayze working.

Saturday, I looked in on Tiffany's cats and walked around Blockbuster. I hate Blockbuster. I joined again last week when my car broke down and I needed something to get my mind off of things. I gave them the card that they just assigned to me, checked out some movies, got home and noticed on the receipt that they rented me the films under some other guy's name! Had I been a lesser person I could have screwed that guy over good by not returning them. I may not go back to Blockbuster. Anyway, I was going to rent Five Easy Pieces but then I thought, I'll just catch something on the tube. Sure enough, I get home and Road to Perdition is playing. That's one I haven't seen - it was pretty good!

Sunday I woke up around 10:00 and discovered that my Tivo really bit me on the ass! The damn thing recorded a Pay Per View movie! I didn't know it could do that! It recorded Raising Victor Vargas - I saw that in the theaters and didn't care for it then! Bad Tivo, BAD TIVO! Football came on; I watched and cleaned my apartment. I miss not having wheels.

So that's today's diary. Not very interesting but I didn't have a very interesting weekend.

Have a great day. Cop Land is the best film Sylvester Stallone has done since Rocky. And yes, I am including Cobra in that statement, ha ha.

It's BOBtoberfest!!

Stay beautiful,

Bob

10-10-03
Today, my car is supposed to be ready. I'm looking forward to getting this thing behind me and moving forward with my life. It happened, there's nothing I can do about it and I'm a better man because of it. That's the kind of crap that people say to themselves when something really bad happens, ha ha. I'm perfectly happy living in my own world of denial. I think I'll drive the cats to a nice B & B (Bed & Breakfast) so we can recharge the batteries after a very stressful week.

I spent twenty minutes adding to my illegal wild pets photo yesterday. I had a total of 10 animals -- I'm including a skunk in that total. But then my computer crashed and I lost everything. Always save your work Bobby, always save. So, there's no fake photo today. I was doing it mainly for me anyway. I have a feeling that no one really cared for that joke anyway. This diary may be too revolutionary for the masses. My work will probably never fully be appreciated until long after I'm gone. Such is life.

I've been bashing the news media pretty hard this week but I will say that they finally did something right. The story out of Philadelphia involving the FBI putting a bug (listening device) in the Mayor's office amazes me. If I were the mayor, I'd be pretty worried but they assured him that he wasn't being investigated. CNN interviewed him at a pancake breakfast yesterday morning and he said that he wasn't worried about it. I guess that's all he can say. I wish there were pancake breakfasts around here.

With this story in mind, I get home last night and you know me, I'm in cloak & dagger mode. What's that sound, what's that shadow, who called and didn't leave a message?! I was starting to freak out. Then, I got a grip, sat on the sofa, turned on my table lamp and I got the surprise of a lifetime:

Bob's apartment is
bugged!
Someone planted a very high-tech listening device in my apartment! Who knows how long its been attached to that lamp?! I want answers and I want them now!

I just got off the phone with the FBI and they said, "Our bad." So you see, it was all an innocent mistake. Excuse me for a second, YAWN - OK, I'm back.

Oh sweet Lord I think that's it for Friday. Have a GREAT weekend.

Stay gold,

Bob

10-09-03
I got "the call" I've been waiting for about my transmission yesterday and it was NOT GOOD. The call actually, no joke, made me start sweating. I'm not going to give exact figures because, what's the point? But I will say that I had a high figure in my mind as my "Wow, that's a lot but not too bad" limit. His number was $1000 over my "Wow, that's a lot but not too bad" figure.

Needless to say, I didn't have a great morning. But I want to keep the car for a while and I have to keep in mind that I didn't pay anything for it because its been in the family forever. So really, I'm ahead of the game.

Lord, I'm not ahead of the game! I asked for help Lord and all I got was a sweaty phone receiver. I'll let this one slide but you got to get my back next time. Thanks Lord.

YOU READ IT HERE FIRST: I called the California election; I picked the winner in my Tuesday diary. How do you like those apples? Tell your friends.

I almost won the lottery yesterday, kind of. While checking my numbers I saw that the winning ticket was purchased in New Jersey. That's where I bought my ticket! But it turns out that I lost.

I'm going to start budgeting my money. I'm going to bring in my lunch instead of buying. That's a pretty good start, right?

The news yesterday should have mentioned SOMETHING about the recall election but it was all about the Bronx man with the tiger and alligator in his apartment. Again, this IS NOT A STORY! NEWS MEDIA -- PLEASE MOVE ON!

Bob's apartment
That's it for Thursday.

Stay Beautiful,

Bob

PS Happy Birthday Pam!

10-07-03
I want to start off today with a BOBBORDEN.COM WORLDWIDE EXCLUSIVE: After tallying the votes and talking it over with my friends, some in California, some in other places -- I'm declaring Arnold Schwarzenegger your new governor of California! Please feel free to quote me. And don't let those groping allegations sway you from the voting booths, I mean, come on; it's just a little groping. When did groping become bad? -- Yet another question for the ages.

I was watching the tube yesterday and something hit me. Have you ever noticed how funny the word "McNugget" is? McNugget - we actually eat this junk! I was walking home last night and on the specials board at the Chinese restaurant I read this: "Golden Trio" - doesn't that sound dirty?

That last paragraph is actually raw notes to my stand-up act, please disregard.

My transmission is being opened up today. I dread this whole situation. If I ever get the truck back, I may drive her into a wall and start all over. Just kidding Jeep, I'd never do that to you. I hope you're OK in that strange garage tonight. It's too early to write about how much this may cost me, so much like our troops in Iraq when they freed a nation from an evil dictator, I'll shock and awe you with the digits when I know a little more. What am I talking about?

Did you read about that guy from the Bronx that kept a 400-pound tiger and a 200-pound alligator in his apartment? That's kind of a moot question because I know you heard about it. The media latches onto something and makes it into a story. I guess that's considered news these days? Honestly, I don't see what the fuss is all about? I mean, who doesn't love pets?

Bob's apartment
Whew! I had to go A LONG way for that one! I will be laughing at that photo all day and I'm not kidding.

Well, I covered a lot of ground today. Time to go to sleep.

Always,

Bob

10-08-03
I got on the elevator yesterday and I just said to myself, you know, this is pretty cool. I just went vertical for 14 floors in about 25 seconds. It's almost like living in the future. It's the little things.

My transmission. I looked on the web for someone that may have had the same starting problem that I've been having. I found a guy, John from Kentucky, he had the EXACT problem. He posted his problem on a message board and I didn't see any answers so I wrote to him.

He was kind enough to write back to me and tell me that I should look at the neutral safety switch on my transmission. Transmission? My car's in the shop because of the transmission! I called the transmission place and mentioned it to Junior. He said, "I never even thought of that. They did have problems with those."

How do you like that? A little investigation, a little footwork and I may have solved both problems. But, Junior still has to open it up today, so until then, all bets are off.

I'm not going to worry about it anymore. Life's too short.

OH SWEET LORD, PLEASE DON'T LET THIS BREAK ME!!!!!! I'm poor Lord, very poor. Help me with my '82 Jeep. Internet praying, thank you, thank you very much.

Here are some things that happened to me yesterday: Yesterday I was walking through the Port Authority (bus station) and a guy stopped me. "Where the Port Authority at?" he asked. I responded, "You're in it." And I kept walking. Always better to keep walking in the big city. Once, I was walking through the city and kid threw a baby at me. By the time I realized it was just a doll, my wallet was gone. True story. So if you're ever in New York and someone throws a baby at you, just don't catch it. Yesterday, my subway stopped at 50th Street and a lovely woman got on, our eyes met. If you could have seen the thought bubble over my head it would have read: Damn, what's up Billie Jean? Also on that same subway, we came to an abrupt stop and were stuck for 15 minutes. That kind of stuff makes me nervous in these rough times but you got to live.

It's BOBtoberfest all this month on bobborden.com!

This "story" about the guy in the Bronx with the pet tiger and alligator will not go away! Hello news media, it's NOT A STORY!

Bob's apartment
I see a pattern developing this week. Hmmmmmm.

That's it!

Bob

Love is God
God is Love
Girls and Boys
Love God Above

Prince

10-06-03
OK, here we go.

Friday night I picked up a burrito and get this; I ate said burrito. I was also doing a bit of multitasking as I was getting ready to drive to the Hamptons Saturday morning, that's right, the Hamptons, playground of the rich and famous. I had a lot more to do than I thought: dishes, gathering my laundry, prepping my cats. Going away for one night you have to pack everything, I need to work on scaling down my overnight bag(s). I also messed up my fantasy football team -- I'm going to get ZERO points this week. Darn.

Saturday morning I'm up at 7. Shower, get in the car, turn the key and nothing. This again! Unhooking my radio two weeks ago didn't do a damn bit of good. I bet anything I need a new ignition. So I get under the hood to "hotwire", as I've done so many times before, it turns but it doesn't catch. I keep trying and trying. 17 minutes later I spot a guy and I ask him for help. I think I need someone to pump the gas while I start it. Finally, it worked! I offered to give the guy; Dan from New York, a ride and he accepted - one good deed deserves another. Nice guy.

I drive into the city, now the whole key for me to having a successful journey is getting over to the East side. I exit the Lincoln Tunnel and I'm heading east on, I think, 37th, when I get to 5th Avenue, the police have the street blocked off. I should say "streets" because they were all blocked off; from 37th to 55th, nothing, I can't go east. Must have been a parade. Screw this; I cut over to the next street. Once I turned, I started hearing a fluttering noise. I never heard that before. Then I notice my car isn't kicking up to the next gear and then I notice that I'm not moving forward. Holy CRAP!

I slowly pull over (coast over) and turn off the engine. After thinking/freaking out about all my options, I started up and it kicked into gear. I headed west until the fluttering noise started again. I parked at 42nd & 10th and asked a gas station attendant if there's a place close by, he tells me there's a Midas around 10th Ave and 50th. I drive up there. I had to pull over three times before I got there, at various times none of my forward gears would work. I walk in the Midas and tell the guy I have a transmission problem and he tells me, "We don't do transmissions." I said to him, "OK, I'm just going to take a seat."

He was a nice guy and told me about a place that he uses so I drove there -- Lee Myles Transmissions, Serving Manhattan Since 1947. I talked to Junior and they're going to look at it today. So now I have to walk from 43rd & 11th to 42nd & 9th. Not a huge journey but I had a lot of stuff in the Jeep: 25-pound bag of laundry, video camera and another bag of heavy clothes. It was an awful journey. Got on the bus with all my crap and asked a stranger to take this photo:

Bob minus Jeep
While on route to Hoboken, I called my friend Tiffany and asked her if I could use her apartment to gather myself. She was cool. I was 'out of it' at this point. I got a burrito, rented a movie (One Hour Photo) and just took a midday vacation from my life. The burrito, not from my normal place, was the worst! But One Hour Photo was creepily good.

After the video, I carried my laundry to the laundry mat. I dropped it off, there was no way in hell I was going to sit in a laundry mat after that morning. So, I have car problems again. Maybe I should have bought a Toyota Echo? Crap.

It's not even Saturday night yet!

OK, now it's Saturday night. I picked up some proper Mexican food and settled in for a relaxing evening. I watched Office Space and did some stuff with my video camera.

Sunday I woke up around 10:30 and watched CBS News Sunday Morning, thank you very much Tivo. I watched some football but not as much as I did last week. Again, I messed up my fantasy team this week so I wasn't 100% into it. I cleaned a little and did apartment things. Around 6, I picked up my laundry and got some dinner. I watched Sweet and Lowdown on IFC and that was pretty much it.

I'm a little nervous about the call I'm going to get from the transmission place today. Yuk.

OK, that's it. Have a great day.

Always,

Bob

PS Thanks to Anne for my Photo of the Day. It was taken in front of a Bodycraze billboard in England. I added the PhotoShop effect on the guy so I'd be able to sleep at night, it was pretty scary.

10-03-03
I can't even begin to tell you how much I'm freezing my A#@ off right now! Where did this cold air come from anyway? Two weeks ago I was swimming in the ocean! That's right, the ocean. My lips are chapping--it's crazy.

Have you been watching the Tony Mendez show this week? I've been all over that thing. You can find the Tony Mendez Show at www.cbs.com/lateshow. Go on, it's fun.

Special HAPPY BIRTHDAY wishes go out to my sister-in-law LIZ! Have a great day! (This is better than a gift or a card, right?)

I'm so tired. I contemplated not writing a diary today. Then I thought to myself, suck it up -- you can do it. And look, I'm doing it!

I stopped off at the store last night to buy some milk. On my out, I saw a lovely display for Oreo cookies. I didn't go in the store to buy Oreo's but I walked out with Oreo's. I didn't think too much about it. Then midway home it him me, holy crap, I bought milk and cookies. What am I five years old?! I had a rough day and I think I needed some comfort food. Those Oreo's are good. Tran-fats be dammed!

I'm looking forward to the weekend. I may help Walter and "Sally" paint this weekend. I was going to watch football again but I think I turned football into a gambling addiction with this fantasy football league. No money changes hands but I get the same feeling watching one of my players as I do sitting at a blackjack table. That isn't a good thing.

Someone from Georgia won the 150 million Mega Millions lotto this week. To them I say this: PLEASE, kick Bobby a little! It's a small price to pay for all the FREE entertainment I've given you over the years, don't you think? Hello? HELLO!?

Goodbye.

Have a great weekend!

Hey, don't forget to get out there and enjoy BOBtoberfest!

Stay gold,

Bob

10-02-03
To those of you joining me for the first time from today's Tony Mendez Show I say this: WELCOME!

Bobborden.com is a place where I can express my thoughts, goals and dreams. But mostly I just talk about going to the laundry mat and staying home.

So, I'm at the bus stop last night and sure enough, I'm the last person in line. I see there's a guy walking up the stairs and I move to the right to give the guy some room on the platform. I've had to stand on the stairs before and it's no fun. The guy walks on the platform and walks to the front of the line, the bus comes in and he cuts in front of everyone! Riding the bus for eight years I've seen this scenario many times. Someone yells something elegant like, "You know there's a line here!" And then the cutter, now on the defensive, says something smart back. It accomplishes nothing. But I know I have to do something. So, when I walked by him, as he sat in one of the primo seats mind you, I gave him the upside-down finger. It's very subtle; he didn't see it while I was doing it but when his head hits the pillow, I bet it will hit him. "Hey, did some guy give me an upside-down finger?" People are jerks.

I've been watching what I eat for dinner recently. That almost always means ordering a salad. Keeping that in mind, last night I ordered a Santa Fe Caesar Salad. The guy tells me that they don't make that anymore and he automatically starts going through his list of salads. OK, so, I ordered a Chicken Cucumber Salad, then the guy tells me they don't deliver that anymore! "What?!" So I said to myself, screw this, I'll show this guy. I ended up ordering a chicken burrito and bread pudding. OK, so I didn't really end up 'showing him' anything but damn was that bread pudding good! That was almost a good story.

I'm trying a new snack tonight. A new kind of potato chip, a cheese curl, a new ice cream perhaps? No, no and no. I'm trying SOY CRISPS.

The power of
SOY
Hmmmmmm, It's kind of hard to tell? I have a feeling that you could put this cheddar cheese dust on anything and it'd taste good. They're OK, I guess. Maybe I don't need a snack after eating bread pudding? That's a question for the ages.

Time for a new feature to bobborden.com, I call it: Things that Tivo Recorded for me Yesterday that I Would Never Watch:

Scooby-Doo
The First Wives Club
Playing Mona Lisa

That's all I have today! Don't forget, all month long on bobborden.com, it's BOBtoberfest! - Tell your friends.

Stay beautiful,

Bob

10-01-03
The last thing I thought to myself before I sat down was, 'I wonder how fast I can knock this out', probably not such a great frame of mind to write lovely thoughts but what can you do?

I'm on the Tony Mendez show today. That's pretty cool. It was supposed to be added to the 'Singing in the Rain' Tony Mendez show but then Tony threw a hissy fit. So, it's even more out of context than originally planned. Anyway, over the weekend Tony came to his senses and decided to put it back in - oh the drama! But I do give him credit for putting it up.

The lotto last night was 150 million. That'd sure be nice if I, or someone I know, wins. If I win, I'm going to buy a bunch of land and build a huge structure underground. I'm going to take being a recluse to a whole new level. And I'm going to buy a full-size pac-man machine.

Speaking of winning the lottery, my friends Walter and Jay just hit the computer lottery (worst transition ever) as their new G5's arrived this week.

The future is
now
They couldn't be happier. I'll get a G5, in about 5 or 6 years when I can afford one.

That seems like enough for today. Shout out to Phil Johnson who sent me a nice e-mail yesterday.

I almost forgot, I thought of something funny on the bus ride home last night and I have no idea why I never thought of this before. All month long on bobborden.com, it's BOBtoberfest!

Anything? BOBtoberfest, come on, that's funny, right?

Yeah, well I'd like to see you come up with this crap everyday!

Ha ha.

We belong to the night, we belong to each other,

Bob

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