6-26-03 The east coast has gone from one extreme to the other. In other words, it's damn hot! Mostly it's the humidity. Heat around these parts seems so much more exaggerated because we're all rats in a cage, stacked on top of one another. I am not an animal! I do have an air conditioner but I haven't put it in the window yet. I'm not exactly sure what I'm waiting for? Sometimes I'm funny like that. I walked past a Chinese restaurant last night. They have their specials written on a chalkboard on the sidewalk. They have an item on the menu called "Crazy Spicy Beef". Ha ha, I love that! It's not just plain 'spicy beef', they kicked it up a notch - It's Crazy! I'll probably tell that story for the rest of my life. "Well, once when I was walking home, I saw a sign for Crazy Spicy Beef! Ha ha ha" Everybody around me probably would have left the table because they've heard that story so many times. Damn, even in my future daydreams I come off looking like a spaz. I think I've had enough of being big. I really need to slim it down before it's too late. I'm going to change my eating habits once and for all. Nothing extreme, I'm just going to limit my dinners to one meal, instead of three big meals. I'm also going to cut out my breakfast dessert. I'm getting a headache just thinking about it. I'm so addicted to bad stuff. I just thought I'd write that, mainly for myself. If I admit it to myself, hopefully I'll be able to change. My Uncle says that I say "Damn" a lot in my diaries. He brings up a good topic. In my "real life" I usually curse like a sailor but on the Internet, I like to keep a family friendly site. "Damn" is pretty much the only safe word I can use without offending anyone. Plus, I feel like I'm a representative for the Late Show. I don't want to give the company a black eye. So, there's the story behind the use of the word DAMN. It's time for a program note: Due to regularly scheduled system upgrades and power grid adjustments, bobborden.com will not be updated again until July 14, 2003. That's only two weeks. Please feel free to entertain yourselves on the message board while these upgrades are performed. So, for now, that's it! All my best, Bob 6-25-03 It's too hot to sleep. The air in Hoboken is thick with humidity and the smell of burritos (I just walked by the burrito place, sorry). I lay here in my bed; hot, alone and very, very naked. Is this a dream? Who am I? ¿Cuánto el son triturados papas? AAAHHHHH!!! The sweat is never-ending as my pores overflow with moisture. My neck is sweating. Is this the future? So we have these fish in my office, I'm not sure how they got there but somehow I'm in charge of them. On Friday, there were six but as of yesterday morning, we were down to two. I did everything: the tank has three different filters, got the right food, the right water/fin conditioners and the tank even has one of those cool treasure chests that blows air bubbles. And still, they're dropping like flies! It's really taking an emotional toll on me. I will say that I don't think fish in general are that bright. One of the dumb bastards committed fish suicide in the treasure chest. Fish suicide I mean, come on, what could I have done to prevent that? I don't think there's such a thing as fish Prozac. Like I said before, there are two left, if they see Friday, it will be a miracle. If you ever want to get little Jimmy or little Suzie a pet, get 'em a cat. They crap in a box and hardly complain about anything -- The perfect pet. I feel like it's getting dark earlier already. What the F? I haven't enjoyed one real day of summer yet. Its all been rain and gloom. Sigh. Popular Culture note: Prince is coming out with a new CD soon. N.E.W.S. contains four, fourteen-minute songs, North, South, East and West. I find that to be fascinating. He's a musical genius, in my opinion -- One prolific SOB, ha ha. Do you remember the record store chain, The Listening Booth? That just entered my mind for some reason. So that's it for today. Have a great one! Always, Bob 6-24-03 What's up? My goal for today's diary is to knock it out as quick as I can, ha ha -- Funny but true. I blame it on the weather; it's darn nice out there! It's about time, am I right people?! I broke down and bought the Andrew W.K. CD last night for $4.99. The best $4.99 I ever spent? No but at least I can get on with my life now. I hate getting a song trapped in my head. Speaking of CDs, a few weeks back I mentioned how much I wanted the Prince Live box set. The only problem is that it's $57! Well, I got quite the surprise in the mail yesterday. Carl from my message board sent me a copy! How cool is that? Thanks Carl, you made my day! And that's why I'm naming Carl, Bob's Person of the Week. Bob's Person of the Week Since that worked out so well, I should also mention that I really would like a Tivo. Anyone - anyone, hello - HELLO?! Damn. OK, that's it! Don't Stop Living in the Red! AWK God Bless America. 6-23-03 I was 7th in line on Friday at midnight to purchase the new Harry Potter book. I got home pretty late and couldn't start the book until Saturday. Saturday comes and it's pouring out; perfect book-reading weather! Cut to: 3:30, I'm one hundred pages into the book and then it hits me: The damn kid's a witch! That was a new feature to BobBorden.com, I call it: Bob Makes Up the First Paragraph of Today's Diary - tell your friends. Holy crap, a whole weekend of rain! I don't have much to say today because I spent much of the weekend indoors. Tiger Woods golf and the occasional bad movie kept me sane. Note to Starz: I don't need to see Planes, Trains and Automobiles for quite some time. The same goes for Scrooged. Aren't those holiday films anyway? The highlight of Saturday was picking up the Van Halen Live double CD for $4.99! Cabo Wabo! Why'd they get rid of Sammy? Why???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sunday found me back at the record store. I had a strange urge to purchase the Andrew W.K. CD. That was only $4.99 as well but I couldn't go through with it. It's the musical equivalent to junk food. But I was damn close. The good folks at SuperCuts set me a coupon for $3 off a haircut. The haircut Gods were sending me a message. I was in and out in about 5 minutes, that's some serious cutting. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! The rain. That's it. Always, Bob 6-20-03 Oh my, it's humid out there! Bob + Humidity = sweaty Bob. Sweaty Bob is no good to anyone. But enough about that -- I'd like to start things off with a new feature to BobBorden.com, I call it: Bob Gives Friendly Advice to a Guy He Saw on the Walk Home. Here we go: To the guy I saw at the outdoor café working on his laptop with a major case of hairy plumber's crack I say this: Get a clue dude! I haven't seen an ass that hairy since Christina sent me a photo of Bob the Mule! (I went a long way for that last one) And that was Bob Gives Friendly Advice to a Guy He Saw on the Walk Home - Tell your friends. I posted photos from bobborden.com readers yesterday with the exception on one. Tom, AKA Long Island Thom, finally got his act together and sent me a photo. The circle is complete Thanks Tom. Everybody wins on bobborden.com blah, blah, blah. I hope everybody plays the lotto tonight. 175 million is some sweet butter! If I won I think I'd just keep the news to myself. Then, when someone/life threw me a curveball, I could just say to myself, 'F it, I got 175 million' ha ha! Or I'd buy a big motor home and live on 53rd Street. That way I wouldn't have to commute to work. I'd be like Trapper John, MD. Now that I think about it, either plan would work for me. Bob Health Update: My ear finally feels somewhat normal again but it still has its moments. And I think I still got a touch of the pinkeye but I'm back on the medicine. Hey, I almost did a good deed last night. Some chick was scrounging around her purse looking for a dime for the bus. Without even thinking about it I said, "You want a dime?" She said that she was OK; I put my head down and moved on. Now that I think about it, why didn't she just take the damn dime? I am not an animal! The Hulk opens today. I'm on the fence about seeing it. I've seen so many mediocre movies lately I've become gun-shy. If I'm stuck someplace between rain and boredom, I'll probably check it out. That's it. All my best, Bob 6-19-03 I'd like to start things off with a new feature to bobborden.com, I call it: Bob Calls People Idiots After the Fact. Here we go -- To the rube on the bus last night whistling the Scarecrow's 'If I only Had a Brain' from the Wizard of Oz I say this to you: You're an idiot! And to the guy sitting on the back of a car listening to Metallica's Enter Sandman while playing air guitar I say this to you too: You're also an idiot! And that was Bob Calls People Idiots After the Fact -- tell your friends. A lot of people responded to my call for photos the other day. Just for the record, Christina was the "winner" but because so many people wrote in, 10 in total, I decided to post them all. The only photo that didn't come through was Long Island Tom's. Sorry Tom. Here's the photos: Photos from bobborden.com readers Thanks everybody, that was fun. I didn't have time to put the names with the photos, so if you see your photo, I hope you enjoy it, ha ha. This is such a low-rent website. Zwan has been on the old CD player all week. I still like it. And the damn lotto is up to 175 million! Holy crap! OK, I have to split. Have a great day! Always, Bob 6-18-03 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Internet screaming, thank you, thank you very much. I'm watching a TV show about Radiohead's videos. They have some pretty damn great songs. It seems like they should be bigger, you know what I'm saying? You put a Coldplay next to a Radiohead and I'm going to say that Coldplay has more fans. I'm not sure I have a point on this topic, I'm just thinking out loud. This reminds me of the type of conversation 8th graders have. When I was in the 8th grade it was Prince vs. Michael Jackson. Just for the record, Prince won. Take that you stupid 8th graders! I played the lottery last night because it was up to 140 million. If I win this is what you'll see tomorrow when you log on to bobborden.com: Ha ha. I win; I'm out the door. I'd probably buy some sort of car and crossroad America. Those lottery daydreams sure are sweet. When I drove down to Ocean City this weekend I ran a toll booth. I'm waiting for them to send me the ticket in the mail as we speak. I was approaching the toll and everybody started slamming on their brakes like idiots. I moved over to avoid an accident and squeezed myself out of the EZPASS lane. I didn't have any change so I just drove through and didn't look back. I wonder what's the fine on a thirty-five cent toll? I hope I get one of those cool photos that they snap on your way through the booth. You know, at least give me something for my money, ha ha. I may try to fight it by pleading insanity. So, that's it for a Wednesday. Have a lovely day. The first person to e-mail me a photo of anything gets their photo posted in tomorrow's diary. You'll fine my e-mail address in my "press" section. Have a great day! Hugs, Bob 6-17-03 Have I ever done an all photo diary before? I feel like I have but I can't remember. Here's some more photos from my weekend. As usual, you can click on them to make them bigger. This is a self portrait that I took while I was enjoying some frozen custard. This is a photo of a drawbridge. I don't know what it is about a drawbridge that gets people so psyched up but as soon as that damn bridge went up, people left their cars and walked over to the bridge to see what was passing. I guessed a boat, turns out, I was right. This is the littlest Borden, Max. Don't let the smile fool you; he's a little hellion. I'm just kidding. He loves saying Uncle Bob, over and over again. I don't even have to be in the room for him to say it; it's good for my ego to hang around this kid. This is my big brother George and his son Jacob. Jacob's the kid that you have to keep your eye on. Enough said. My brother George is a great dad, if you don't believe me, just ask him -- ha ha. His wife Liz does a great, great job keeping the family in one piece. So that was my first (I think) photo diary. I hope you enjoyed it. Have you heard the new Zwan CD? Pretty good, reminds me of the Smashing Pumpkins, only happier. That's it! Always, Bob 6-16-03 I had a great weekend! It all started off Friday night when I did nothing. OK, now on to the great part - Saturday morning I drove down to Ocean City, NJ. My brother, sister-in-law, nephews and niece were down there for vacation. (George, Liz, Lucas, Jacob, Emma and Max.) I had a leisurely drive down and by 3 o'clock; I was in the ocean! Let me tell you something about the sea, she's a seductress. To be honest, the ocean was pretty chilly but I'll be damned if I'm going to go to Ocean City and not go in the ocean! It was pretty cool. And my nephews really loved it. I think I may love the beach. Saturday night we enjoyed a lovely dinner and then headed back to the boardwalk to enjoy some frozen custard. Damn that stuff was great! On the walk back, I held Lucas' and Jacob's hands - it was a nice moment. I was looking out for the kids on the crowded boardwalk - I'm a damn good uncle if I do say so myself. Sunday we woke up and hit the beach again. We may have gone too early because the water was freezing! But we went in anyway, just not as long. I headed back to Hoboken around two o'clock. I hit a couple of traffic jams but it was an uneventful trip back -- which is a good thing. So that was my weekend, I wish they were all this good. I leave you today with one of Bob's People, well, maybe I should say: one of Bob's Animal Friends. Christina from my message board recently purchased another mule. When deciding what to name her new friend, she came up with a name that I think is wonderful: Bob. Bob has one eye and he looks like a hell of a guy. Bob the Mule Thanks Christina! That's it! God Bless America. 6-13-03 I thought of another story that happened this week that I forgot to talk about. I was in the drug store picking up some Sudafed. There were two cashiers. The customer to my left, an old lady, was finishing her transaction but in her old lady ways, was taking forever to put her change away and move on. She finally left the line and the woman behind her stepped up so she could make her transaction. I'm guessing that the lady behind the old lady may have brushed the old lady's pocket. Because the old lady was close to the exit and she started cursing out the other lady. "You don't touch my pockets! Yeah, you hear me - You brush my pockets, you try to take my money, I pull out a knife. I'll cut your face!" Ha ha! Damn crazy old lady! Wait, maybe I'm rushing to judgment. Now that I think about it, you know who I blame? -- This city, this crazy city. I blame this DAMN city! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Just kidding, the old lady was as nutty as a fruitcake. I apologize about the diaries this week. I was just trying to regain my health from the various wicked infections that have plagued my head over the past 10 days. I do admit to just calling it in. I'm really looking forward to the weekend. I don't want to give anything away, let's just say that I'm going to the beach. Damn! That's giving everything away! I'm not very good at this. I'll have the full weekend story on Monday, as usual. I need to start riding my bike again. This weather has been so crazy though. Or is that just an excuse? I have to think about that one. I haven't updated my diet section (The Plan) in a long, long time. Lord knows I need to be on a diet. Bottom line, when the time is right I'll do it. I'm the only one that can get the wheels rolling. OK, that's it! Have a great weekend. Always, Bob 6-12-03 I was feeling so bad last week that I totally forgot to tell a good story. I was walking home, approaching an intersection when I saw a car stop but the car didn't have to stop because it had the right of way. At that exact second, the guy following the stopped car starts to ride his horn. The stopped car then inches forward past the intersection and stops. An older lady gets out of the car and starts shouting obscenities at the horn honker. I have to say, I really enjoyed this exchange. They were just two morons that happened to cross paths. It ended when the horn honker yelled, "Get back in your car, you animal!" Ha ha! People. OK, time to see what's in the news. That'd be odd if I had a real news feature to this site. I have to say, I had no idea that NJ won the Stanley Cup the other night. Hockey is one sport I never could get into. Well, Hockey and every other sport, ha ha. I do like to play video game football; that HAS to count for something. Hey, the lottery is up to $115 million - that's American money too. I don't need a lot of money; I just need a lot of money. What I mean to say is, I don't need a lot of money, I just need a lot of money. Oh sweet double talk. I went to bed at ten o'clock on Tuesday night. I was trying to get a lot of sleep in hopes that my ear would clear up. No dice. Oh well, in time this will pass. I'm hoping soon because it really pisses me off! It feels hot in my apartment, like it's time to bust out the A/C hot. But it may rain today and Friday so I'll put in the A/C this weekend, maybe. When my A/C is on it sounds like I'm riding in a small plane. Tonight, I sleep in the nude! Good luck getting that image out of your heads. I'm sick of all the decorating shows, they over did it. Stick a fork in 'em, they're done. OK, that's it! I'm out of old stories and new stories. Stay cool. Hugs, Bob 6-11-03 As I write today's diary, I'm enjoying the sweet sounds of Prince's Sign 'O the Times! Victory is mine! During yesterday's diary it occurred to me that my friend Walter could hook me up with his Apple music thing. I got the music for 99 cents a song. That's a sweet deal. The music industry is stupid. Why does it take Apple to make a good music service? Seems like they're missing the boat. Thanks Walter. Too bad my ears can't fully enjoy it yet. Ear infections really aren't fun. I played the lotto last night - it was up to 95 million! That's some sweet cash. I don't need much, just enough so I won't have to worry about it anymore. I figure that's somewhere around 1 and 25 million, ha ha! If I win, I'm going to buy one of those phones shaped like a duck and when it rings, it quacks like a duck. It's sad that all of my dreams center around the TV show Silver Spoons. But come on! That Ricky kid had everything! EVERYTHING! Remember when TV used to mean something? 10:35 on a lonely Friday night, she was standing by the bar, mmm, she was looking all right - Damn that Prince is good! OK, that's it! Every second on this, how you say, computer? Is a second I'm not resting. Have a bitchin' Wednesday! Hugs, Bob 6-10-03 My ears are still messed up, blah, blah, blah. Meaningless photo of Bob's ear But enough about me, I've reached the point where I'm sick of talking about myself. Time to do some good for others. I'm talking about people doing things for other people out of the goodness of their hearts. I call these people, Bob's People. I don't know what I'm talking about. SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm enjoying my new Tiger Woods game. It's so much better than getting out there and actually golfing, who needs that headache?! Not me. You know the Prince CD Sign 'O The Times? It came out in 1987. Well, I've had a hankering to listen to it again but the dame thing costs $22.99! Yes, it's a double CD but still! I wonder if Prince's stuff is available on that Apple tunes website, Hmmmmmm. OK, I know this is super short but I need to rest. A long diary at this stage in my recuperation could cause a big setback. Are you buying that? That's it! God Bless America. 6-09-03 Man, being sick sucks. My stay-at-home Friday helped me on the road to recovery. But before I start, I just wanted to say thanks for all the nice Get Well Soon cards I received, oh wait; I didn't receive any! Sons of bitches! OK, back to Friday. I took my eye drops and my pills and watched some movies. I watched Repo Man, About Schmidt and The Blues Brothers. About Schmidt wasn't that great. Hollywood, you screwed me again! Saturday, I felt well enough to run some errands. I picked up Tiger Woods' golf for the Gamecube for $20 - now that's a deal! I was doing some shopping at the A & P. I was looking at the apples and I touched the mirror behind the apples because it just looked so clear. Turns out, the mirror was probably another 12 inches back. Damn, I guess I'm not feeling that well after all. Saturday night I cooked up a steak and called it a night. Sunday, I woke up at 12! I love a good sleep in! I forgot to mention that I purchased two new pillows. It's like my head is sleeping on a cloud. On a CLOUD! My ear still feels a little blocked up but that's why I'm still taking pills. That's it. Have a great Monday! God Bless America. 6-06-03 Damn, I am jacked up! I don't have a full-scale diary in me today so let me just hit you with some power points from yesterday: #1. My eye appointment went well yesterday. Got there, it was pinkeye and the Dr. prescribed some antibiotic drops for the eye. I have to say I was feeling pretty good, problem solved, I'm on the road to recovery! I got my medicine, had a spring in my step and I decided to stay at work. I was having a great day and then around 4pm: #2. My ear. My ear started to close up! It felt like someone was filling it up with fluid from the inside and there was no release valve. I left work, got back to Hoboken and crashed on my bed. No matter how I positioned my head, I couldn't get any relief. The pressure inside my ear was causing some concern. OK, it was scaring the crap out of me. By this time it was around 6:10. I just said screw it, I can't go through the night like this. I walked up to the emergency room, took a seat and waited my turn. I have to say that staff at St. Mary's Hospital really took care of me. It was kind of funny sitting in the waiting room of a city hospital - apparently neck tattoos are all the rage these days, ha ha. Even in pain, I can make myself laugh. Long story short: I have an ear infection too! What the f%*@!? I guess when you live the crazy life like I do, it's bound to catch up with you - lesson learned. I got my prescription filled and picked up some supplies for my stay-at-home Friday. Bob's Not Going to Work Survival Kit 1. 2% milk 2. Fruity Pebbles 3. Doritos 4. And the film that was on over 120 critics' top ten lists: About Schmidt I went to three stores while I was picking up stuff. Would you like to guess how many times a bum asked me for spare change throughout that process? Give up? Three times! Three different bums! I would call that a problem. "Sally, get me the Mayor!" Ha ha - that was me talking to my imaginary secretary. I'm delirious. I love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stay Gold, Bob 6-05-03 Oh Holy crap! I'm in pain. I still have the sore throat but now just to make it interesting, the Lord threw some conjunctivitis in the mix. That's pinkeye for those of you without a medical dictionary handy. I've never had pinkeye, I HATE THIS! Lord, why Lord?! Why now?! This is Bob's good eye. To see his sick/disgusting eye, click the photo I told you it was disgusting. I have an eye appointment first thing Thursday morning. That's all I got today. I have to spend the night with a hot towel on my eye, hot tea in my cup and love in my heart. Whoever gave me the damn pinkeye sucks eggs. I'm going to listen to the new John Mellencamp CD. God Bless America 6-04-03 I got home last night and watched QVC for over an hour. I wasn't looking to buy anything. I just think I went delirious due to my sore throat. Bob's throat Monday night I ran out of salt to gargle with - who runs out of salt?! Last night on the walk home, I went into the store and they were out of salt! Apparently this salt thing is bigger than I originally thought. And don't get me started on those Ricola throat drops. Horse turds! I might as well have been sucking on dirt for all the good those things do. Time, patience and a whole lotta love (Thank you Led Zeppelin) are the only things that can help me now. I'm taking vitamin C but you never know where the hell that stuff ends up. How does vitamin C know that I have a sore throat? Exactly. I'd like to change the opening line in today's diary because I've been watching QVC for an hour and a half. I've got nothing else. Short and sweet today. Keep On Rockin' in the Free World! 6-03-03 Damn, I have a sore throat! I should be exempt from writing a diary today. Ah, I can't do that. I'll just do a very half-assed job, ha ha. I'm not kidding. If I get one fan letter a day from the loyal BobBorden.com readers, I get a hundred. I can't possibly post/respond to them all but something caught my eye yesterday. John Dowd of Phoenix, Arizona wrote: "Hey Bob, I've been reading your site for years now and have loved every minute of it. My wife heard about it from some nosebleed of a guy at her office. Anyway, let me just cut to the chase. The wife and I were on vacation recently in sunny Los Angeles. We were walking around the Farmer's Market and my wife almost pulled my arm off! Turns out, she thought you were the conductor on the trolley out there! I looked at the conductor and for once, the little lady wasn't sniffing glue. I've attached the photo to share with your readers. Thanks again Bob." Does this guy look like Bob? Thanks John. Wow, I have to say, that does look like me. Damn, that explains a lot. I still have a cold. If you or anyone you know looks like me, send me the photo and I'll post it. That's it! God Bless America. 6-02-03 Hello! Yesterday I figured out that my apartment windows fold down to allow me to clean the outside glass. I never knew that! I've lived in the same place for eight years! It was quite the revelation. I don't know if you've figured it out but I was on vacation last week. My destination? Drum roll please - Steubenville, USA! But in order to get back there I had to rent a car. The good people at Hertz hooked me up with a 2003 Ford Taurus; it only had 3100 miles on it! It was so great! I never thought I could get excited about a Taurus but for the first four hours of my trip, I was giddy. Did you hear me? GIDDY! In retrospect, it was really quite sad. The first stop on my trip was to the local Rite Aid to pick up some road snacks. I found the receipt yesterday and thought it was an interesting list. Bob's Road-Snack Requirements 1. Mini powdered donuts 2. Strawberry milk 3. Spring water 4. Chex snack mix 5. Three Musketeer bar Ohio was great. I spent a lot of quality time with the family, gambling with my Mom and being a negative influence on the nephews and niece. High points include: Helping my Mom trim a huge lilac bush/helping with the gardening, helping my brother reconstruct a wall, relaxing, Chinese dinner with my Mom and the nephews and much, much more. Good times. I recommend Steubenville for all your vacation needs. I forgot my camera so I didn't take any photos. This rain sucks! But what can you do? Am I right? Did you ever see the film About a Boy? Darn good, I watched it twice this weekend. I also watched Purple Rain again -- Classic. I think my online store is going to start charging me money to keep it running. That stinks! So, if you want a shirt, order now because the store isn't going to be up much longer. I've recapped many a vacation over the years, there's nothing more to say today. Have a great day! I'm back! We're back! God Bless America

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